Last Wednesday as I was working on Sunday's sermon on the story of Jacob wrestling with God and how it relates to the power of change in our lives, a realization came into sharp focus for me. There are three of me.

There is Jason Fairbanks, the industrious, creative pastor and preacher and father. I like that Jason. And I like the responses, quite often of admiration, that Jason receives from people. But there is a second Jason. The Jason that is prideful and fearful and lustful and undisciplined. That Jason I don't like so much. I keep that Jason hidden because I'm pretty sure folks wouldn't like him quite as much. I'd like to change that Jason, and sometimes I try. But it's really, really hard.

Now, what I have described about myself is true of everyone to some extent or another, it's widely accepted psychological theory. But I've noticed that we good church folks have raised this to an art form. We have become masters at portraying what people want to see and hiding what we are struggling with. The problem with that is we never getting around to being changed. We keep the second self hidden instead of exposing it to the healing, transformative power of Christ and the support of community.

But that is just two me's, and I promised a third. After Jacob struggled with the angel of God, the angel asked Jacob his name. Jacob responded with a confession, his name which means usurper or grasper. The angel gave Jacob a new name, Israel. The third me is the me that God sees. The me that has been made new in Christ, the me fully accepted and infinitely loved by God.

I am practiced at being the Jason that everyone likes. And the second Jason is always there causing me guilt and shame. I want to spend some more time getting to know the third Jason, the one that God is so in love with. I think I'm going to like him.